5 reasons not to work from home

I went self employed as a freelancer many moons ago, and as is the want of my tribe, I decided that working from home was the perfect life. Everybody not going through a divorce wants to work from home, it ‘d be perfect. All that time in which to build my empire, stroke the cat knowingly. All those dreams of becoming a technological epicentre of creativity, know-how and free thought. I was deeply, deeply wrong, which produced these 5 reasons not to work from home.

5 Reasons Not To Work From Home

I went self employed as a home working freelancer many moons ago, and as is the want of my tribe, I decided that working from home was the perfect life. Everybody not going through a divorce wants to work from home, it ‘d be perfect. All that time in which to build my empire, stroke the cat knowingly. All those dreams of becoming a technological epicentre of creativity, know-how and free thought.

Let’s face it – not a single one of us enjoys the commute. You’re crammed up against the the window like the Last Window Licker (soon to be a movie), with the only person with armpits eu-natural trying to engage you in conversation about the Rapture. The walk to the bus station was a mid-September torrential downpour and there’s a good chance that the water in your underwear is starting to make your junk rot, which makes the impending trench foot seem like a playground wedgie in comparison.

And you know, full well, that your smartphone is sat on that little table inside the hallway door. At home.

It’s time for the switch! Slamming your waterlogged, wrinkled persona into Human Resources, you ask, nay, DEMAND a home working position. To your utter surprise, they have just the function for you. Inner You asks yourself, do my colleagues not like me? Pushing that to one side, you step into your office and grab the equipment you need and head out into a bright new world, one filled with family, friends and laughter.

If you think this, you’re insane; these are the 5 reasons not to work from home.

1) An Endless Stream Of Distractions

Wash the dishes, feed the cat, put the washing on – the home workers life is full of distractions.

This is most relevant if you have a family. The average family can cause enough destruction at breakfast time to have Eisenhower wondering if he could have tried harder. Whilst you beaver away in your man/woman cave that you class as an office, this wanton destruction is going to sit at the back of your head, taunting you with its patina of grease and spilt milk.

As you compose that carefully worded email to the Belgian developer with a slippery grasp of English (It’s a home delivery app for a corporate client! I didn’t want a BLOODY SOCIAL NETWORK), all you’re going to think about is washing the dishes, feeding the cat, putting the washing on, playing with the cat and wondering if the cat needs a vet.

2) Total Lack Of Focus

The Boss looking over your shoulder achieved two things:

  • An inner voice telling you that you’re rubbish and to expect your P45 soon as.
  • An extra push and guidance to get the job done without delving into the seedy underbelly of the internet. And lolcatz.

If you’re the kind of person to whom the word ‘focus’ means being able to see the license plate in front, you’re doomed. Home working will become a reason to endlessly procrastinate until you’ve planned your way through the day and achieved nothing but reasons to not have reasons. You’ve achieved the same amount of function as a Victorian prostitute on a chaise-lounge and made much less for your services.

3) Disconnected From The Land Beyond Door.

Several weeks into your new found life as a house office hermit, as you revel in taking transatlantic business calls dressed in nothing but baggy pants and a beard that’s straight from the Wild Man Of Borneo and a worrying nipple itch that you’ve not done anything about (that’d mean leaving the house), it occurs to you that you’ve not seen a face outside of immediate family in a long time. You have become The Dawn Of Man. Family now comes with a built in worried look, but that’s ok; you can’t read faces anymore and have become faintly autistic. People have stopped calling you, because you ramble and know nothing about anything.

4) You’re instantly viewed by family as out of work.

The older generation never had this namby-pamby work from home soft rubbish. Your grandfather worked in the mill and bit through iron girders with his teeth, your mother dragged your sorry toddler carcass through a post war wasteland with nothing but nine jobs and a dodgy uncle. Working from home is last-generational speak for ‘lazy arsed bum who hasn’t got a job’. Expect phone calls at any point during the day to see if you need anything (financial help) or random visits (you must make sure you  eat).

5) Sleep is a thing of the past

You spend most of your time at a coffee stained desk (when you’re not chaise-lounging around) and burn less calories than Stephen Hawking. The clock becomes a meaningless spinny thing and you’re never entirely sure what day it is. Some days you’ll work your guts out till the early hours (you’ve buggered up a deadline), other days you saunter out of bed when the rest of the working world is thinking about lunch. You throw time differences into the argument, proudly stating to those that pity you that you are now on Eastern European time, because it sounds important.

I Now Work In My Own Office

I now have an office, outside the home. I’m no longer home working. I’m a reformed character and shave regularly. I dress for work, and I’m happy to pay for this privilege, because working from home will send you bat-crap crazy.

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